I once read a quote by Rumi – “true love transcends physical attraction.” By my own relationships, I know this quote to be true.
When I threw my hat up in the air, I looked forward without paying attention to how or where it might land. I looked forward, scared. I’m scared. I’m petrified and terribly scared for what is about to happen next. I feel the ground below me shake as the classmates all around me jump up and down; all joyful and excited about what the future holds. I remember at that moment the first time, when I set foot in that high school 4 months ago. As I pan my eyes from one person to the other, I realise I have no true connection in my life to guide me to the future. Whilst Rumi was right, at this very moment. I felt like I actually needed physical comfort and attraction to create a stuffing big enough to fill the void inside of me.
2 hours later, I find myself being ushered off the field, the ground is not shaking anymore. I stand alone in the middle of the field, my hat down by my feet. Thousands of white papers forming a blanket concealing the remains of the field. I stare out into the yellow and pastel pink sunset, completely shutting down my sense of hearing as I hear the janitor yelling “Come on now, off the field”. At this moment, while I watch clouds pan from left to right, slowly inching a bit more to the right. I realise I never stood on that field and appreciated the sunset – or the sunrise, or the view of the high mountains with the large white clouds. Though it is the last time I will ever be able to watch the sunset at this specific moment when it is quiet and my mind is shut off, I think I have fallen in love with the colours. The pale and calm colours of the sky look like a Monet painting – you know what you are looking at, but you probably don’t have the courage to talk about it or express your feelings about it. It sounds like a newly bought piano – expensive but not in a way that is trying to show off itself.
I agree with Rumi, I think I have fallen in love with a sunset. I’m not sure if it is true love, but I think it transcends physical attraction. I mean, maybe? Really I don’t think it does. I was there at that very moment, present in all of my being, watching the sunset. I was listening to the nothingness of it and feeling the last remains of the warm sun on my skin, I saw the colours fade away. Does physical attraction mean being able to physically feel it, maybe like a hug? Or is it in this case me falling in love with that sunset on my graduation day from a far, feeling its physical presence?
What I came to realise after the graduation day is that I had no chance of ever forming a relationship with anyone at the school – fair enough, I had only been there for 4 months. At least on my graduation day, I was able to make a true connection with an inanimate event that is bound to happen every night. Every night, I will be able to watch the sunset and think about things I was never brave enough to share with anyone.
Loneliness still lingers beside me, now it’s not even an arm’s length away – maybe it’s about 2 metres. Soon, I hope it’s far away, so far that I am not able to identify it for a long time, so that I forget it was ever near me.
Writer – Maria Secara
Editor – Eva McNutly
Artist – Marianna Wang
–September 2024–
