you
who had begun running much too fast
much too early
head down against the wind
that so desperately wanted to drag you backwards
it only made you dig your heels deeper into dirt
the dirt which nurtured your sad little seed
and allowed it to push through the soil
the soil
that didn’t seem
to want to part itself for you
you kept working at it nonetheless
relentless, relentless, relentless,
until you finally saw the sun
for the first time
even then
with good weather
comes bad weather
when the bad weather came you had no choice but
to capture the stormy residue
in your limbs
remember what you were doing this for.
eat away at the greys of your joints
until it became gasoline for the bruised and bleeding soles of your feet.
they didn’t give you shoes,
no clothes at all;
skin had no choice but to harden,
protect your gentle heart
from the burdens of pointing fingers
nasty words,
hate
hate
hate
hate,
why
is there so much of it
you once asked.
you now know why.
because they were afraid of what you may become.
all the cruel arrows of the universe
aiming for your achilles heel
but they couldn’t pierce it could they? your skin so armour tough.
the five o’clock shadows,
the aching fatigue,
the crying stomach
which you didn’t have enough time to feed,
didn’t have enough heart to feed,
didn’t have enough means to feed.
swollen eyes which had forgotten the colour of home,
the scent of home
the sound of home
the feeling of home
you had to create your own
with different shampoos
and detergents
discover your own sound
like the humpbacks do
searching for their one true love
paint new colours for yourself
to match the shades of the bruises
that littered your knees
greys and blues and an aching that reminded yourself
that you
are not
invincible
but then as they heal
(time does that)
you are also reminded
that you are not weak,
either.
you’d made a decision
as one does living in a world
and so you continue to keep running forwards
because
because
because
how else are you to repay yourself for getting this far?
to give thanks to your heart
once a large empty bowl
now filled with a warm home-cooked meal
you share with those that have stuck by you
through it all.
those who provided you the ingredients
a fire to cook over,
a reason to be.
you
who were all at once too big for yourself
and too small for yourself
when all you wanted was to fill the universe
with all of you
until you were oozing out of it’s cracks
because even something so infinite
couldn’t contain
what you were going to become
and what you continue to become.
now you’ve got infinite living in the warm depths of your eyes
stars and oceans and galaxies and countless possibilities
all settled comfortably and softly in the hug that is you
the forehead kiss that is you
rosy cheeks that is you
fireworks that is you
gentle wave that is you
the you
that is you.
Written by Ivy Feng and edited by Yiyang Cao. Published on 30/7/2023. Header image by Emma Li.
